just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
All the doctor said was why
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
