A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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