Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
What a dumb baby whore.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
