Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
