I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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