i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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