some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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