I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
