we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Randomize
