I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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