His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
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