I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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