why didn't you poke me back
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
