cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
