There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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