I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
