I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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