So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
