He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
