apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
