I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
