someone threw a dead crab at me
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
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