Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
