if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
