I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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