You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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