Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
