They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Randomize
