Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
