I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
