she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
