Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
