Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
