this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Randomize
