she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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