the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Even my vagina gasped.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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