gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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