Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
