MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
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Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
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Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize