Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
