a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Randomize
