I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
