hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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