the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Randomize
