The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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