New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
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