What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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