she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
