I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
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