I wannas sexs uuuuu
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Randomize
