i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
