I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
