the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
