my room smells like sperm. sweet.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
